There is simply no way for me to write this post without trying to deconstruct some things with the aim of sincerity that will make sense and go beyond the standardized “I am sorry” – I feel like I’ve injured beyond that and while for some I cannot offer relief – at least I can try to write something for those who deal with stuff by transcending the shock and learning the back story instead of slamming the door shut forever and without question. I am very aware of emotional grief some people might feel due to my use and display of Nazi symbols in my most recently exhibited build titled “Second Life – Frei Arbeit Macht Frei.” (Second Life – Free work will set you free.) I am also aware of the shock and disgust people may feel towards me, and I will not complain about that, your reasons make sense to me and I accept them as such. To set a toe into overkill : I am also aware that you and your feelings need no validation and acceptance from me, but there’s no way I’ll crouch down, pussy up and hide in fear what you may say to me now that what’s done is done. I cannot change anything – keep that in mind. And it is certainly not the first, nor the last time I fucked something up. So that’s that.
I react very aggressively to things that displease/hurt/irritate me. I am aware that my reactionary mechanisms aren’t something that goes to my advantage nor do they produce anything constructive most the time. Very rarely I can channel it and turn it around into something positive. This is a part of my makeup and I have to live with that. Sometimes they slip out and my ego lets them. You know….ego….that’s stuff that tells you “let’s burn the bitch, she deserves it”… (when in reality you don’t want to burn anyone – that’s what crazy people do).
Obviously, yesterday and today the gate to push out my frustration was open so I did. I did not filter nor refine things before I invited people to see it in a form of a build. What I did was – I wrapped my frustrations up in the most disgusting wrapper I could think of – the utter shame on humanity – the concentration camp scene where Linden Lab is the exterminator of community, and it’s time for Emerald effort (not people behind it) to be let into smoke. I translated how I felt into something in the outside world. What I did not realize at the time was that by using the symbolism I’ve amplified it to a degree that’s overbearing to majority of people. I also don’t feel like anyone holds particular entitlement to use such scenery. I am not Jewish, and just because I am not – it doesn’t mean I think or feel of the Holocaust as “just another historical event”. Having had a grandparent with a story such as Holocaust survival is not at all something I could deliberately degrade in any way. Some of you know, some of you don’t – I grew up in Croatia during the war and I’ve seen massacred people on TV every night before bed instead of cartoons and I’ve ran to the shelter under threat of bombs and I went to school every day with my mother saying “Don’t go this way – they think there is a sniper in that area.” I wouldn’t take this as a competition of who has more right to be victimized by my disgusting objectification of the sentiments I have towards Linden Labs way of handling Emerald and other community projects I did not objectify with this exhibit – as I simply had no time to build that before I felt I needed to push the “notify people to come see this shit” button.
I look at the Holocaust and embrace it as great misfortune that happened to ALL humanity. And when I say humanity, I don’t mean a number of people present on Earth as individuals, I mean the human consciousness as state of being we all share and have been aiming to tune up and sync since the beginning of our fucked up species. (Of course, with the exception of those who really think that we are all separate and unique to the degree they can put themselves as measure of what ‘normal’ is or should be…you know….people who create Holocausts around the world in one way or another every day.)
Was it a mistake on my part? I see it as a mistake for a few reasons. Firstly and most importantly – I’ve afforded unbelievable stress to my friend Laurence and other people I am currently unaware of….I’ve teleported people into a shock setup on a quiet Tuesday night. Yeah. That’s what I regret. I should have warned them first with a statement describing my sentiments, the way I’ve processed them and how I’ve amplified the representation using symbols that everyone can relate to and is familiar with, and I should have left them with a choice of whether they want to be shocked and disgusted before they go to sleep or they’d prefer to not see it at all. I should have given myself some time to think it over versus just blurting it out like that. Lesson learned. Next time I’ll make sure I lay the responsibility on spectators’ curiosity level. “Some symbols are not to be dug up.” My subconscious impulses that drive me to create stuff in the first place probably did not even reach the scenery taken from war in my country – not because I deliberately and consciously exploited the Holocaust but because the Holocaust itself is even more so carved into the back of my head than the bit of the war I’ve lived and witnessed first hand. That’s really strange and some Croatian nationalists could argue it’s fucked up, but that’s just the way it is stored on my hard drive. Repressed? Maybe….either way…matters not – you get the point. Ban? Yes I got banned from SL for an hour. I violated the policy by using Nazi symbols pinned on me as intolerance. This is my first offense. Using Nazi symbolism is not always intolerance, and most CERATINLY not intolerance in this particular case I can guarantee you that. Bad art and poor taste at best. So, I hope you will accept my sincerest apology for causing your grief – and I do apologize, and I do feel shitty for having assumed that my setup would make apparent sense to anyone.