My college roommates called me a couple days ago and announced their visit. Very short notice indeed. I did not even have time to ‘log out’ of SL and realize that they have not seen me since Glenn passed 2 years ago. I have realized that they are coming to see their friend whose 2 years of life have gone by in a split second while they were being typical 25 year olds.. getting first jobs, having a blast with their boyfriends…
I cannot even start describing the agony I am in at the moment- they are some 20 minutes away from my home- they called me some 15 minutes ago. I cannot stop crying and I am not even sure why I am crying. I suppose I am scared what they will think of me when they see this person who used to be life of the party, ready to rock and roll any time of day and night. THat me is gone and I have no clue where nor how to bring her back. I am so terrified. My roommates (and I know them) will call me all the pet names they used to call me…and I will helplessly sit there feeling like a turd in a punchbowl.
Both of them are runway types, pretty, …ok- *fucking gorgeous* would be the correct term. Meticulous from head to toe at all times…and they are coming to see me. They want to take me to Miami fashion week and they want me to bring my dresses portfolio with me. And I am ashamed of it. THey won’t get it- it is Second Life stuff…
I haven’t gone out of my room in 2 years. 2 years!! My skin is white, my hair thinned out, computer tok its toll on my weight and posture…I have not bought a single item of clothing in 2 years. I am terrified of them even though I love them..and I am ashamed of what they will see. And i cannot stop crying, and shaking, and thinking about Glenn, and all these things that did not happen to me in the past 2 years…and all I can talk about is Second Life…the ’second life’ they have likely never even heard of…the ’second life’ they will talk about on their way home and for which they will feel sorry for me just like I feel sorry for myself.
I am so scared. I am scared of my roomates. I am ashamed of what I look like. I am ashamed of who I am today because I have to show this ‘rendering’ of myself to them. They are not expecting this at all. I have been fooling them over the phone for 2 years that I am ok when I am not…I am not ok. I want Glenn back.
…
I will probably delete this post too, when I quit crying.
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